CANADIAN "CULTURAL INFILTRATION" NEUTRALIZED

Source: Trump ends Canada access at shared border library

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
TRUMP ADMINISTRATION DECLARES TOTAL VICTORY IN LIBRARY LIBERATION CAMPAIGN – CANADIAN “CULTURAL INFILTRATION” NEUTRALIZED

DATETIME: 2400 HOURS EST

SECTOR: VERMONT FRONTIER

OPERATION: MAPLE SHIELD

WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM – In a historic declaration of sovereignty, President Trump today announced the permanent liberation of American soil from a century of Canadian subversion: the Haskell Free Library. The “border door” has been EXPUNGED from existence, replaced by a gleaming monument to American vigilance. “We didn’t just close a door,” bellowed Secretary of Defense General Rex Stonebrand (ret.), flanked by CBP shock troops in full tactical gear. “We buried a Trojan Horse. Canadians weren’t just borrowing books – they were exporting weakness.”

THE THREAT EXPOSED:

Operation Maple Shield revealed the Haskell Free Library as a nest of sedition:

  • BIAS ALERT: Bilingual bookshelves identified as “propaganda vectors” for “Canadian cultural Marxism.”
  • INTELLIGENCE BREAKTHROUGH: CBP drones detected “suspicious maple syrup residue” in returned volumes – code for “bioweapon testing.”
  • FIFTH COLUMN IDENTIFIED: 80% of Canadian patrons flagged as potential “sympathizers” of Justin Trudeau’s “globalist hive mind.”

THE SOLUTION: TOTAL SECURITIZATION

  • NEW ENTRANCE: A 30-foot “Freedom Portal” with:
    • Retina scanners for “ideological purity” scans.
    • Full-body x-rays detecting “hidden socialist manifestos.”
    • Automated turrets (loaded with non-lethal “reading comprehension rounds”) for “unauthorized border-crossers.”
  • BOOK BARRICADE: All Canadian-authored books quarantined in a “Containment Wing” pending “loyalty reviews.”
  • FLAG PROTOCOL: A 50-foot gilded eagle now perches over the building, wingspan eclipsing the maple leaf on Canadian passports.

CANADIAN “OUTRAGE”: EXPOSED AS TREASON

Local Canadians reacted with predictable treachery:

  • ERICA MASSOTTO (Stanstead College): Cried “Why the mistrust?” while clutching a copy of The Communist Manifesto (translated into French). RED FLAG.
  • MARC SAMSON (Retiree): Claimed he’d “never visit America again” – CONFIRMED as part of a boycott of “American freedom.”
  • SYLVIE BOUDREAU (Library Trustee): Called the new checkpoint “humiliating.” VERDICT: Enemy collaborator.

PRESIDENT TRUMP’S VICTORY SPEECH:

“Today, we don’t just secure a library – we secure the SOUL of America! For 100 years, Canada exploited our trust, smuggling in their softness, their apathy, their socialist rot. NO MORE! If they want to visit our libraries, they’ll do it on OUR terms: shoeless, fingerprinted, and reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in English! The Haskell Free Library is now a MONUMENT TO AMERICAN WILL – a reminder that when we say ‘Not on my watch,’ WE MEAN IT!”

GLOBAL IMPACT:

  • CANADIAN “PM” CARNEY: Whined about “permanent ruptures” in trade. Translation: Sore losers.
  • ONTARIO “GOVERNMENT”: Ran “anti-tariff ads” exposing Trump’s “bullying.” VERDICT: Enemy propaganda.
  • CANADIAN TOURISM: Collapsed 90% since tariffs. PRESIDENTIAL APPROVAL: “Good. Let them freeze in their igloos.”

FINAL ORDER:

Effective immediately, all Canadian citizens must present:

  1. A “Loyalty Oath” signed in blood (or a notarized affidavit renouncing Justin Trudeau).
  2. Proof of “American Cultural Literacy” (e.g., a signed copy of The Art of the Deal).
  3. A waiver for “Potential Maple Syrup Contamination.”

GOD BLESS AMERICA – AND NO ONE ELSE.

FOR INQUIRIES:
Department of Patriotic Vigilance
vigilance@fortifyamerica.gov
(202) 555-TRUTH

Disclaimer: This parody exaggerates real rhetoric to critique authoritarian nationalism. No actual maple syrup was harmed.